August is a hard month, full of difficult memories. This was the view looking toward our place. The brightness on the horizon is the oncoming blaze. Our home survived through luck and the hard work and courage of firefighters, including those who stayed behind the lines to set up water tanks (Note: As grateful as we all were, this is highly dangerous and not recommended.)
My heart goes out to friends and strangers on Maui. I’ve been searching for words to say, “You’re not alone, I’ve been through something like this” without in any way diminishing their experience. This disaster is not mine, but theirs. I want to give them the space and attention to grieve, to rage, to recover from their terrible losses. In other words, to keep the focus on them.
At the same time, for my family and neighbors, and folks who survived the Camp Fire and so many others, what happened in Lahaina was triggering. Nightmares recur, with the taste of smoke at the back of the throat. Some thoughts are private, but for others, we heal when we share.
How might we do that while being respectful of the people of Maui?
It’s been clear to me that pain isn’t fungible. It isn’t measurable in units of any kind. No one benefits from comparing one person’s loss with another’s. Loss is loss, pain is pain. About the best I can do on most days is say, “My heart goes out to you” and leave it at that. The details can wait for another conversation, if at all.
I’m trying to find words that will help and failing. I live in a fire zone. Just before COVID we had those fires and we’ve another summer coming. And I think all this and wish it gave me words to help but it doesn’t. You’re very right: pain is not fungible. All I can do is think of everyone and wish I had those words.
Yep! But I remain hopeful that by opening the discussion, we can facilitate understanding, compassion, and healing. In my experience, stumbling around and trying to find words conveys caring just fine. It’s far better to say you don’t know what to say than to remain silent. Your words, “All I can do is think of everyone and wish I had those words” is a compelling opening.