I had such plans for this morning. I have a list of things I must do today. It’s now 5 pm on Tuesday here, I’ve not missed Monday your time which is when I intended to post today, but this is only the second item on my list.
Life is like that, with chronic fatigue. Plans go awry. Except that today it wasn’t only the chronic fatigue. There was the usual antisemitism, and there are riots (and since they are in places where I have friends, I follow them and try to understand) and, in Australia, someone tried to murder a politician. She’s very well loved and is fighting for her life. We know who the guy is who rammed her with his car, but we don’t know why someone who loves trees so much hated this particular human being.
How was I able to get past all this just enough to get to my list? I realised that the more we share hate, the more hate happens. Just like chronic fatigue., We shift into a declining spiral.
I’ve done everything I can do to challenge the fatigue today. Magnesium and crampbark now, Vitamin B12 shortly. And rest. Much rest. This is one of those days where even a little work gives me PEM and, if I don’t rest, I have to fight harder against the fatigue and it can takes weeks to dissipate.
This is true of the hate around us. We need to move gently. We need to take care of ourselves and everyone we can nearby. I’ve relegated these thoughts to my backbrain. Many of the things I sued to do, gently, to fight hate, are no longer open to me. I ran workshops bringing people together and gave writing skills so that hidden stories could be seen and understood. I did all this through women’s organisations. Most of them now encourage antisemitism. I’m pretty sure they don’t intend to help hate – they’re good people – but while they do, I’m limited. I’m also limited by the chronic fatigue.
I need the world around me to be more Pippa Passes. That lotus pool where the lotus cleans the water. I’ve said this before, but I need new ways through. I shall ponder. I have heaps of time to ponder today: I’ve not even had the capacity to make a cuppa yet. There are advantages to chronic illness, and thinking time is one of them. I have yet to discover an advantage to sharing hate.